Monday, May 21, 2012

How to Achieve Romance

It is sooooo nice to sleep in my own bed again and have use of my computer.

Anyway, as part of my public service work, I decided that I wanted to do something good for people. People, no matter how annoying they can be are generally good. I would like to share with you my expertise as to how to find "THAT" right person. It's a lot of info so I decided to do it in pieces and parts since most people have the attention span of a fucking gnat.

Part 1

Open Your Heart

1. Initiate meaningful conversations.

How to find the right person for you???  The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations. These don’t necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature. They just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

You can initiate this type of exchange with anyone at almost any time simply by asking how often a day to they masturbate. (Perhaps you should ask “per week” since I was thinking of me!) Ask them about any diseases they may have had prior to putting anything into anywhere that has running sores….if you know what I mean!!! NEVER tell her you were on NBC’s Dateline “To Catch a Predator” unless of course she recognizes you and is turned on about it

2. Give the gift of your presence.

Often when we converse with people, we’re not fully listening; we’re formulating our response in our heads and waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not only doing the other person a disservice when we do this; we’re also shortchanging ourselves.

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. It likely required you to feel a level of comfort and trust, even if you didn’t yet know that person very well. The act of opening up is in itself a way of offering love, especially it's your legs spread wide.  That’s an invitation to let someone in and fuck your and their brains out.

Therefore for the male gender, don’t pull your penis out too early, like at a red light on your initial date unless you have already figured out the girl is a dog that you don't plan to see any more. She will either open the door and run out your car screaming or you just may get a blow job that wasn't really your intention however, I find many girls look good if you only see the back of her head bobbing on your dick.

For women….just let us fuck you! Giving the gift of your presence can only be satisfied by that.  My God, why else would we put up with you? We can negotiate “anal” once we’re naked.

Part 2 Too be continued tomorrow.

As Always,

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Fat People Are Messing Up My World

Rather than the exception, those pictured above have become all too common today. Finally some attention is being given to these out of control fast food, compulsive buffet eating fat fucks.

It appears that some companies are now going to bitch slap these fat beasts who they employ with higher deductibles on their health insurance. And these fat fucks are pissed.

They are crying that it isn't fair for employers to mess in their "personal lifestyles". “It’s an invasion of privacy.” “This is not fair.” “I can’t help the way I look”. “I have bad genes”, "I have an eating disorder".  The list of excuses go on and on.

But it’s just fine with those fat fucks when those cigarette suicidal fucking idiots are taxed through the fucking stratosphere just because they are puffing their lives away on cigarettes.  (I like smokers, not fat people). But God forbid a special tax on fat fucks!

Right now, here's the deal:

Give the teachers a raise. Tax smokers. Build new roads. Tax smokers. Don’t hire smokers; they cost too much to insure. Ban cigarette smoking in restaurants where they serve all that fried fatty shit because second hand smoke is unhealthy for those who are eating themselves into gigantuous fucking oblivion.  

OOH OOH OOH!!!!  I know!!!!  Tax smokers so we can provide funding for gastric bypass surgery for these fat fucks.

Look, if you are fat and reading this and you are pissed by it, then fuck you and welcome to my fucking world that you are destroying. Here’s exactly what you are doing to my world:

Global warming – According to Al Gore, you are giving off more than your share of body heat. (Like he has room to talk).

Food supply – According to the Institute of Food Supply, those little kids in Africa with those bloated stomachs and flies on their heads are starving because you are a strain on the world’s food supply. Shame on you!

Fuel Supply – According to the American Fuel and Flatulence Organization, you have caused energy prices to go through the fucking ceiling. Fucking jets have to use more fuel to get off the ground. As fast as auto manufacturers increase fuel efficiency, you put on another 10 lbs. and cancel out the fuel savings.  

Concrete – According to the Masonries, Concrete, Sheetrock and Sanitary Napkins Association along with The Airport Runway Watch Group; airport runways must be extended because you are weighing the planes down and it takes longer for them to get off the ground. Streets and highways are deteriorating faster than ever before because your fat ass is driving around talking on your cell phone and casually gliding through a red light because you are too distracted making plans for dinner.

Then there are the "sistas" who say “I’m thick and more meat is sweet”. Yeah, it’s sweet when I can use your fat ass to stand on to get a better view at a Susan Boyle concert.  (What, sistas don't go to her concerts?  Me either....least we got something in common)  

Then I have to hear “I don’t burn calories as efficiently as most people.”  QUIT EATING YOU DUMB FUCKS.  Do what the Ethiopians do.  Trust me, after 4 days, you'll get use to the flies landing on your face.
If you're too fucking stupid and can't figure out what the Ethiopian Diet Plan is, email me for a free copy (Add $20 for shipping, handling and stupidity.)

Here is what I would like to see at a restaurant. 

The Pig Out Buffet
Thank You

1 Buffet__$7.99
Sales Tax __.62
Fat Tax __30.00
Total___ $38.61

Stop whining about how unfairly you are treated. Just quit stuffing your mouth and shut the fuck up. You look awful and you sweat way too much.